Hey y’all…I’m back again!
It’s hard to believe that I stepped away from the blog for almost a whole year! What a whirlwind it has been. An intense relationship, travel and fun, codependency and enabling, lots of conflict, and now I am enjoying a tremendously peaceful and empowering time of recovery. Boy, did I learn a LOT about myself and about my patterns during this past year.
As a recovering codependent, many people would say that I should run screaming for the hills if I meet someone who drinks more than once or twice a decade. However, I don’t really want to set that standard on someone, because there are people who can drink one or two beers a day and that’s it…it doesn’t interfere with their daily life. I like to be able to go out and enjoy a night with some wine, or have a cocktail or two on a trip. Interestingly enough, I found out that it takes practice and true willingness on my part to recognize red flags when they come up…and I have to remember that it’s dangerous to just blow those red flags off in the name of “love”.
Alcohol is one of those things that can truly interfere with a healthy relationship, if one or both of the parties involved is an actual alcoholic. I also discovered that as a codependent, I am truly drawn to addicts subconsciously, and it is because I have this desire to help save the world.
Unfortunately, in my last relationship, I almost lost myself to save him. And you know what? He had NO desire to change.
Sweet friend, if an addict doesn’t see any issue with their behavior, there will be no desire to change it. And guess what? You will not be able to cure them, because they have to do it themselves. Internal motivation on their part is necessary, and it takes a lot of focus and dedication in order for the alcoholic to choose to stay sober. If you love someone who has a problem with addiction…whether it be to drugs, alcohol, sex, or something else, please know that there is help out there for YOU as well. Feel free to email me and I will share information with you!
I have always said that EVERY relationship that we are a part of teaches us something…even some of the toughest lessons from some of the hardest and most hurtful relationships. Through that last rough one, I learned that I absolutely LOVE to travel, and I had the tremendous opportunity to take a trip to Jamaica! I met a wonderful dolphin named Ziggy, drank some Bob Marley’s, and enjoyed amazing food along with beautiful beach time.
Within that relationship, I also learned more about my own codependency and how it truly impacts my life. I learned that I have to ALWAYS take care of myself first, and that I cannot always take care of the messes of others. I learned that you cannot always make an addict happy, because what they want and need tends to change depending upon how deep they are in their addiction. I discovered that while relationships do require compromise, we should NEVER compromise our core beliefs for someone else.
I also learned how to walk away with self-respect and personal dignity…even when walking away is the last thing that I want to do.
You see, I really did believe that I loved him. In reality, I too was addicted…to the dysfunction and the chaos that I had become so accustomed to over a lifetime of unhealthy relationships. It really is similar in some ways to when a person is addicted to a drug: even though your logical mind knows that the person is horrible for you and can destroy your entire life, you still crave it and feel lost without it.
My friend, when you work on your own recovery from codependency, and you begin to form a healthy relationship with YOURSELF, you begin to realize that you are worthy of so much more. You start to see that it is not acceptable for someone to treat you with anything less than respect, adoration, and kindness. You come back into your own skin, and remember all of the things that you want for your life, and you start to go after them. You may have to let go of that unhealthy relationship…and if that’s what it takes, just know that you CAN do it. You are worthy, you are loved, and you are amazing; you don’t have to prove those things to ANYONE out there.
Just believe in you.
I will be here to support you on your journey, and to continue down my own path while sharing it with you along the way. Feel free to reach out at any time, I would love to chat with you. It is always important to remember that you are not alone.
Live love, my sweet friend!
March 5, 2020